Friday, September 23, 2011

Is a Breakup, Ex-Boyfriend or Relationship Loss Hurting Your Momentum?

This blog is still in the conceptual, growing phases and I initially thought the topic of relationships did not apply. It was not until I truly reflected on how my newly single status was affecting my day-to-day "Girl on the Go" status that I realized how relevant my own experience was.

I'm sure I am not the only one in the middle of a breakup or heartbreak, so I decided to share my experience with it in hopes that others may gain something from it - even if it just the fact of knowing that you are not alone. I named and created this blog because of my constantly mobile lifestyle, which was escalated over the past several months by maintaining a long-distance, military-based relationship. Once the relationship officially ended (and yes, I am devastated by it) and business drastically slowed down, I found myself feeling more like "Girl in Neutral" than "Girl on the Go." 

My work and my life simultaneously took hard hits, and I told myself that if one (job, life, career) was working that at least the sting of the other not-working would not be strong. It was not until my mother sat me down and put things into perspective that I saw the other side of the coin. She explained that though times are tough and finances are tight, I should be thankful to have the ability to freely go through my roller coaster of emotions without a commitment to anyone or anything holding me back from healing myself. If I had an office to check into daily I'd have to excuse myself if I felt a swing of sadness come on; if I had a major project pending, I'd feel like my mind was being distracted with the emotions that I didn't have "time" to tend to; if I was still in a relationship, I'd have to account for my mood swings or feel guilty about constantly "venting" or seeking the understanding I wanted out of my partner.  It was not until that moment, that I saw the value in being still for once

As the over achiever, "go go go" and "I'll make it work" type of person that I am with everything, these lessons and unanswered questions are very difficult to deal with. Going from having everything in line - a great boyfriend and a budding career - to nothing going as I dreamed it to, has brought on anxiety attacks that I can't even begin to describe. But at least through ALL of this, I can truly say, 'this time is mine.' It doesn't belong to anyone or anything but ME. 

I've experienced a year's worth of feelings and thoughts in a very short amount of time - peace, grief, anxiety, hopelessness, understanding, anger, numbness, wondering, wishing, confusion, shock, abandonment, happy, hopeful, strong, weak, indifferent, enthusiasm, independent, codependent - it's all surfaced at some point. In order to move forward and be healthy about my healing, I need to accept these emotions, work through them and remember that this phase is only temporary. 

Allowing anyone who reads this to think that such enlightenment arose from my own wisdom would be very misleading. I had to enlist the help of a book to help me get through this trying time. Yes, I bought a breakup book...for the second time. And yes, I wanted to shrink down to midget size at the checkout counter so no one would see me buy it. I did not have the clarity to get through all this on my own understanding, so I knew I had to look for some sort of guidance.

Susan J. Elliot's "Getting Past Your Breakup" has been a God send in guiding me through this process. It is helping me put the focus entirely back on me and ONLY me, has helped me learn that everything my ex did, did not do or does from this point forward doesn't matter and has allowed me make sense of all the relationships in my life. I am slowly but surely regaining the strength, focus and self confidence that seems to slip away when such drastic and unexpected changes occur. If you are in any way, shape or form experiencing what I am or something similar, I HIGHLY recommend this book. I am even willing to lead a book-club style forum or discussion if anyone out there is interested. 

I was definitely a bit hesitant in putting myself there with this post but I had to "stand in my truth" (thanks Suze Orman!) There are times when our lives aren't so fabulous, when our careers hit the fan and when being a woman just gets, well...confusing. So if this is you (or someone you know), realize you are not alone...ever. Take back your time, and bask in it. 



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